No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
