he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
