Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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