I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
