My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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