I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
