Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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