I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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