I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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