I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
