The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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