Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
