I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
