my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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