If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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