You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
