I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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