false alarm. still invincible.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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