Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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