i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
