The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
