"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize