You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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