Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
