I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
