Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
