At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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