11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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