We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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