she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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