i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
