why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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