dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
