I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
