i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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