I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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