A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
