you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
