she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
