weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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