all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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