i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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