dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
