we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize