my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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