Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
