you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
