kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
