dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
