I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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