I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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