Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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