Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
