I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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