if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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