My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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