I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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