i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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