I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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