If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
