I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize