Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
