woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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