Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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