what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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