Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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