Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
