Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
