3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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