Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
